Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
