She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
