Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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