mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
