i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
