Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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