Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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