Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
