My liver just broke up with me...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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