Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
