What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
