i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
