I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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