I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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