dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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