I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He has the fingertips of a God
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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