what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize