Who wears a wallet chain?!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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