Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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