Soap is not a condiment
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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