I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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