was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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