i was born a porn star she said
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
