the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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