Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
