he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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