I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
