so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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