my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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