I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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