Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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