I'm so fucking centered right now
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
