You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
