Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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