I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
