the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
