Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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