I wish my penis had an off switch
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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