he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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