You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
