I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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