Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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