Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
