Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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