I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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