i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
