I wanna bring you to show and tell
You're so nebulous sometimes
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
