I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
