i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
