why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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