Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
