her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
