Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize