Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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