i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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