OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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